Yesterday Was Terrible...But...

Yesterday was terrible.  For some reason it seemed like everything went wrong.  The funny thing is, though, as I look back at what actually happened, there really was nothing that was so much out of the ordinary.

The 3 older kids went back to school after break and I was at home again with Allie, who, I should mention, decided to get up precisely at 5:17am.  I found it quite humorous simply because I had decided to start waking up at 5:15 for my time with Jesus.  So, I wake up and before I had a chance to even turn on the light I hear her crying in the monitor.  No big deal. 

As the day progressed I started feeling quite anxious.  The devil was coming at me from so many different directions, and I simply allowed him to.  It’s like I had a big target on my chest.  I didn't feel like fighting.  It’s much easier to get upset and be miserable than to fight the enemy…so that’s exactly what I did.  I allowed him to temporarily convince me that I had no purpose in life.  That my dreams were worthless, and that I’m, yet again, stuck at home not making a difference in anyone’s life.  Not doing what He’s called me to do.  Something I loved to do was taken away from me, so I totally felt vision-less, worthless and like my life has had and will have no bearing in this world whatsoever.  On top of all that I felt like an extreme hypocrite. 

“How can I write a book about freedom and overcoming all of this when I’m back where I was before?  How can I “Live Free, Like I’m 3,” when I can’t even control my temper and my attitude?  Why can’t I ever get this, God?  In fact, where are you anyway, God?  I know you say you’re here, but I don’t feel you!  Help!”  Then silence…no trace of an answer from God anywhere.  Then, of course, Allie starts in again and the cycle starts all over.  I was alone all day with no one else to talk to…but trapped because of my “gift” that God had given me, and a terrible attitude to go along with it.

This is a cycle I know all too well.  I’ve been here before…in fact, I’ve camped here before for a very long time.  But I know differently now. 

I was so wrong.  The day was bad, simply because I bought into the lies of the enemy.  I know the truth.  I didn't believe it, though.  I wanted to feel bad.  After all, I don’t get to do what I want.  Poor, lonely, me.  

Wait a second...this doesn't sound like Jesus! This isn't the truth! Why is it that my heart wants to focus on the negative?  I have so much in my life…so many blessings, so many people who love me, so many things God has done, not to mention the fact that I have a relationship with the all-powerful, loving, creator of the universe, who I like to call my Father and friend.  Wow.  What was I thinking?  I know now, that the devil’s number one attack is to convince us that we are not who God says we are.  I don’t know how many times I heard in my heart just yesterday, “you’re not a good mom.  A good mom would keep her cool.  A good mom could do the laundry and have it done.  A good mom…etc.”  He almost convinced me again that I was not good enough. 

WHAT?  Wait, stop right there.  I've bought into that before, but NOT AGAIN.  You might be able to make me feel bad, but deep down I KNOW who I am.   I am a child of the almighty God.  I was bought at a price.  I am a beautiful daughter and princess.  I am who GOD says I am.  I AM ENOUGH.  Just because certain days I might not feel like it, the TRUTH is that I am.  The same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in me.  HE LIVES IN ME!  I can do all things through Christ.  No weapon formed against me will prevail.  I am never alone because God says He will never leave. Not only that, His plans for me are to prosper me, not to harm me.  Plans to give me a hope and a future.  And THAT’s the truth.  I am gorgeous.  Even though I had a baby 3 months ago and I've got some gray hair, I am beautiful.  No question about it.  How is it possible for me to be anything else??  Don’t you get it?  GOD made me.  It's impossible to be anything but what HE made me.  That’s who I am!  Whether or not I believe it or live it is up to me, but at my core I am amazing. I have a purpose. I am loved.  We all are. Every single one of us.  Period. And today, I will choose life.  I choose to believe the truth and to tell the enemy to go back to where he belongs! 

"Thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him everywhere." 2 Corinthians 2:14